I risked my life on the Valley Highway to take a picture of this semi--undoubtedly laden with acres of artificial turf--destined for a box store near you. Or wherever lazy bums buy their plastic grass. I detest this stuff with a passion bordering on, approaching--nay exceeding nausea, disgust, contempt and just plain fury. What's wrong with America? The gun-lobby, of course. Our idiot tolerance of the plight of the homeless: surely a country over-run with billionaire hedge-funders could provide a way for the mentally ill and the socially outcast to be housed (sometimes they're just people simply unable to find work that pays enough to rent an apartment thanks to an economy crafted by Goldman Sachs, J.P. Morgan and friends) SURELY we could find a way to hit up the Billionaires with enough taxes to fix a few of these things...but I digress....
I drive by this atrocity (not just the tacky pseudograss, but a mega-mansion constructed out of the flimsiest of materials) and want to spit. I haven't done it yet--but truly this is phlegm-worthy. I watched this colossal piece of ticky-tacky be inflicted in the heart of the Congress Park neighborhood (which OUGHT to be called the Botanic Gardens' neighborhood). The whole thing is unbelievably atrocious: I have no doubt the "value" of this POS is in the multi-millions. I should Zillow it. I've NEVER seen a sign of life in the place--perhaps it is just sitting there--the fifth or fifteenth "home" of some idiot plutocrat. The phony turf is the perfect icing on this meretricious cow patty.
Would it be so very hard to maintain a bit of real grass in this establishment in Highlands (a neighborhood full of real gardeners and real people)? Instead this stupid piece of plastic turf. Dontcha love the landscape rock--maybe it's plastic too--I need to check. "Turf". Which rhymes with nerf--phony guns for phony people to pretend to shoot other people--maybe as practice for the real thing, who knows? The extent to which my fellow countrymen go to achieve convenience, ease, comfort, amusement and the verisimilitude of death amazes me--for death is the culmination of our indolent laziness...
There it is, the very specter itself! I didn't risk quite so close a brush with death in order to photograph this on 14th Avenue--the traffic was sparse and I was actually stopped at a stop light. Unlike the other shots which were taken on the run...
I knew this artificial turf thing would happen--especially when Aurora and Castle Rock launched their campaigns against real turf. The acres of gravel "lawns" and died (I mean dyed) black or orange shredded palette mulch are bad enough--not to mention threadbare lawns with cars parked on them--the constantly morphing, nightmare "landscraping" of the horticulturally challenged (a large percentage of my fellow countrymen, I fear).
If I were king I'd ban the stuff right away. If I were God I'd condemn whoever came up with the idea of plastic turf to the lowest ring of Dante's hell, along with the bozo who invented those stupid sticky tabs they put on fruit and of course, munitions manufacturers.
And I'd send whoever eliminated the landscape component out of the budget for Denver International Airport's umpteen BILLION dollar budget to join them in that toasty ring of damnation.
Come to think of it, I have quite a few people I'd like to send to join those jerks in infamy--I hesitate to go on lest I besmirch my reputation as a nice guy.
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Coda: we've paved and concreted, built and sullied so much of the Earth's surface. Plastic turf is just the most blatantly obvious insult--as if bluegrass itself weren't altogether blameless...
There is a philosophical underpinning to my rant, adumbrated by a blog post I wrote ten years ago about a little known book which is one of my favorites. Click on the colored phrase to follow the link to that post.
If wishes were horses….
ReplyDeleteI was walking in Cherry Creek a couple of days ago and was stunned to see all the plastic grass. OMG, why??? It is detestable! But yesterday I was at DBG and loved all the beauty, especially the crevice gardens.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about my grass a lot lately. I spend more time on it than my gardens.
ReplyDeleteI no longer use fertilizer or herbicide on my lawn. Herbicides damage my garden plants. I have enough damage already from my neighbor’s lawns being treated with herbicides. I remove all the dandelions with a weeder, so the neighbors don’t complain. I leave the Cerastiums, Plantagos, Veronicas, and Violas.
Fertilizers reduce soil organic matter. Where my lawn needs fertility, I spread screened composted cow manure which increases soil organic matter.
In summer, my neighbor’s lawns are spares and less green than my lawn. The lawn companies remove all the lawn clippings replacing what they take with synthetic fertilizer. My neighbor’s lawns have soil with less organic matter and less drought tolerance. Their grass is turning yellow in the heat of summer when mine is still green. During the hottest part of summer, I let my grass get long. This also helps it better handle drought.
To me, my grass is more than lawn. It is part of my garden.
I would not worry about the artificial turf. It is a fad. Once the costs of cleaning, replacing, etc. are realized then something else will be chosen.
The plutocrats that run the banks, also run the nature preservation organizations. Maybe that is why they are all about spraying herbicide, using forestry mowers to masticate trees, and burning trees in big piles. Not even preserving nature has escaped from industrialization.
As usual, your comments James, are spot on! You and your gardening are a model I wish I'd see more Americans follow. Would love to visit your garden in another month but March (although my visit that chilly March day [my birthday I recall] a few years ago was a treat! First time I'd seen Skunk Cabbage in bloom.
ReplyDeleteYou can visit my gardens whenever you desire. I post pictures of them on the NARGS Facebook page.
DeleteI used to be a travel nurse at Mayo in Phoenix. I asked a staff coworker, “What are you doing this weekend?” She replied: “ I have to vacuum my artificial grass, it has lots of debris.” Sheesh. And that plastic gets super HOT, only adding to an urban heat sinks misery. Likely sterilizing any microbial life underneath. I agree it should be banned! Along with landscape fabric/plastic also.
ReplyDeleteAmen, Heidi! You listed many items I should have in my post--thanks for doing so!
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